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The following scale chronicles some of the highlights of the evolution of those magnificent mams
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The following scale chronicles some of the highlights of the evolution of those magnificent mams
 The
development of human breasts is bound by evolution. Evolution
obviously knows what it's doing. |
1.6 Million B.C. |
|
| 30 B.C. |  Egyptian
ruler Cleopatra is bitten in the boob by an asp. Long line of
men forms to suck out the venom. |
|
 Highly
intoxicated, vision-impaired pirates inadvertently discover the
art of nipple piercing. |
1680 | |
| 1776 | This year marks the first recorded use of the term "booby hatch" in an insane asylum. What this has to do with boobs I have no idea, but do not feel any need to discriminate. | |
 The
first Mardi Gras parade takes place in New Orleans, consisting
of a float, some cheap beads, and lots of bare boobs |
1839 | |
| 1885 |  The
Statue of Liberty arrives in New York boasting the largest
set of boobs seen in America to that point |
|
 The
T-shirt finds widespread acceptance. Strangely, wet T-shirt
contests don't catch on until the later in the century. |
1917 | |
| 1922 | The Maidenform company is founded, and starts naming cup sizes A through D. Soon after, the art of "bra stuffing" renders this measuring technique irrelevant. | |
| The Grand Tetons are named by French trappers. Grand Tetons means "big boobs." It was to be the last time in history the French showed good judgment. | 1929 | |
| 1937 |  The
Hindenburg bursts into flames and crashes. Historians note in
retrospect, that it looked a lot like a large boob |
|
| During the war Duct tape is created to keep moisture out of ammunition cases. In time, it's use is converted into the more user friendly role of creating the illusion of more cleavage, largely done by beauty pageant contestants. | 1941 | |
| 1943 |  Howard
Hughes builds a"cantilevered" bra for Jane Russell to
wear in "The Outlaw." Giant boobs continue to inhabit
the movies |
|
 Dolly
Parton is born in Locust Ridge, Tennessee. Big boob jokes go
mainstream. Sets new record for largest boobs seen in USA |
1946 | |
| 1953 |  The
first issue of "Playboy" hits newsstands, offering the
world a wide variety of large airbrushed boobs. |
|
 The
first breast augmentation surgery is performed. Deemed to be
first undeniable proof there is a God. |
1962 | |
| 1963 | Bra burning becomes a symbol of the women's liberation movement. The unleashed hooters make the movement somewhat less annoying to those who haven't any bras to burn.. | |
 Farrah
Fawcett-Majors poses for a poster in her swimsuit, inspiring
cheeeesy hairstyles, anorexia and palm calluses around the
world. |
1976 | |
| 1977 |  "Three's
Company" debuts. Suzanne Somers' nipples become first
celebrity body parts in history to demand their own publicist. |
|
 Phoebe
Cates removes her bathing suit top in the movie "Fast Times
at Ridgemont High." The price of Kleenex stock skyrockets. |
1982 | |
| 1983 | The Hooters restaurant chain is launched, making lecherous ogling a "family-friendly" activity. | |
 Madonna
dons a conical bra accomplishing the impossible. She figures out
how to make boobs boring. |
1990 | |
| 1992 |  Pamela
Anderson debuts on "Baywatch." Boobs sore to an
unprecedented level of popularity. |
|
| The Wonderbra takes the fashion industry by storm. Women's rights activists assert the bra encourages men to objectify women. Men are so distracted, all they can hear is "blah, blah, blah." | 1994 | |
| 1995 | Popular TV series "Seinfeld" airs episode featuring the "Bro," a bra for men. Inexplicably, John Madden, Pavarotti and Marlon Brando are unavailable for comment. | |
 The
video game "Tomb Raider" debuts, featuring top-heavy
Lara Croft giving new meaning to the term "handle one's
joystick." |
1996 |
| 1997 | In the popular "Austin Powers" movie, Fembots use breasts as weapons. In real life, women have been doing this since about 1.6 million BC. This weapon will likely continue to remain effective throughout history. | |||
| A Florida man sues a strip club claiming exotic dancer Tawny Peaks' 60HHH bosom caused him to suffer whiplash. Defense lawyers are paid small bills that reek of cheap perfume. | 1998 | |||
| 1999 |  Pamela
Anderson has her breast implants removed. The male population of
the planet collectively utters, "Whuh?" |
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| A Brazilian woman shot during a confrontation between police and drug dealers is saved by her silicone breast implants. Proving that Implants are no longer just visually appealing, but are also a "personal safety measure." | 2002 | |||
| 2003 |  Iraqi
Information Minister puts both Dolly Parton & Lady Liberty
to shame as he becomes the biggest boob ever seen |
|||
Janet Jackson suffers a "wardrobe malfunction" at
Super Bowl XXXVIII. The world has yet to fully recover from
the "fallout."
|
2004 | |||
| 2010 |
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