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Neorhino Party Promises Marijuana and Orgasms for All!
November, 2007
After an absence of 14 years, the Rhinoceros is back on the scene in Canadian politics. With promises of weekly orgasms, marijuana in every pot, making Spanish Canada's official language, and forcing current Prime Minister Stephen Harper to diet, they are sure to liven up our impending federal election.
Describing themselves as Marxist-Lennonists, the Neorhino party base their platform upon the philosophies of Groucho Marx & John Lennon. The party was founded on the idea that people have become disenfranchised with politics and therefore do not participate in their elections.
Nearly 40% of Canadians don't vote. The Neorhinos believe that if everyone who does not vote, casts a ballot for them, they might win a majority government. The Rhinos reeled in slightly higher than 1% of the popular vote in 1980. The Neorhinos tout themselves as the next generation of the former Rhinoceros Party.
Previous Rhino Promises...
Repealing
the law of gravity;
Paving
Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot;
Providing
higher education by building taller schools;
Instituting
English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages;
Tearing
down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset;
Making
Montreal the Venice of North America by damming the St. Lawrence River;
Abolishing
the environment because it's too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much
space;
Annexing
the United States, which would take its place as the third territory, after the
Yukon and the Northwest Territories
(Nunavut did not yet exist) in Canada's backyard, in order to eliminate foreign
control of Canada's natural resources;
Ending
crime by abolishing all laws;
Paving
the Bay of Fundy to create more parking in the Maritimes;
Turning
Montreal's Saint Catherine Street into the world's longest bowling alley;
Adopting
the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in
over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses,
eventually including small cars and bicycles last;
Selling
the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California;
Putting
the national debt on Visa;
Declaring
war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros
in one of the cartoons;
Offering
to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of
mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros
"Hindquarters" in Montréal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in
fact, do this);
Painting
Canada's coastal sea limits in watercolour so that Canadian fish would know
where they were at all times;
Banning
guns and butter, since both kill;
Banning
lousy Canadian winters;
Renaming
the country Nantucket;
Donate
a free rhinoceros to every aspiring artist in Canada