|
|
|
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says: Well... that's great... that's really great... some asshole's got my pen!
There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear. She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look around her at the tv. She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?" The husband replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants." One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
During a heated spat over finances
the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to
clean this place, we could fire the maid."
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....." Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!" |
